GUEST POST: Dear John Charming by Elliott James
Need some supernatural guidance to your everyday problems? Ask John Charming!
Is there a supernatural way to train my lover to put the seat down?
-Fed up with Falling In
Hmmmn. If you were a wolf you could just pee on the object of contention to mark your territory, but since we’re talking about a toilet, that probably wouldn’t get your point across. I would also recommend against looking for a supernatural solution here. The human mind is a delicate organism, whether you’re talking about concussions, brain surgery, neuroses, charms, compulsions, or curses. You should treat your lover’s mind like a flower, not an anvil.
The difficulty lies in the fact that the problem you’re dealing with here isn’t natural or supernatural, it’s all nurture. Nurtural? I can’t speak for all males, but I can honestly say that in my entire life, I have never once sat in a toilet because the toilet seat was up, or for that matter, sat down to use the bathroom without first checking to see if there was toilet paper in the toilet paper dispenser. This is because I grew up in a world where I could logically expect toilet seats to be up, and also in a world where my peers would routinely steal whole toilet rolls to set on fire or tee pee something or just because. I’m assuming you grew up in a different world: one where there was no reason for toilet seats to be up, and presumably one where keeping toilet paper stocked was a source of civic pride. And as hard as it is for you to think about checking the toilet seat every time before you sit down, it is exactly that hard for your man to think about putting the seat back down every time after he uses the bathroom standing up.
It seems to me that the simple solution would be to get a really fuzzy bathroom lid cover and bunch it up so that it’s a little top heavy on the foremost part of the toilet lid. Gravity will take care of the rest and make the lid fall down automatically. Having to lift the lid up should force you to look down at the toilet. Now if your man keeps smoothing the lid cover out so that he won’t have to hold the lid up while he pees, that’s when you’re going to have to get serious. In that circumstance, I would buy some Loctite 30540 and a flat, dense strip of metal. Loctite 30540 is used to adhere plastic to car metal under heavy wind and rain conditions, so I think it would adhere a strip of metal to the underside of a plastic toilet seat. Most toilet seats have a depression under the edges, so it shouldn’t make the seat rest oddly, and if you put the metal underneath the uppermost part of the seat it should tip the balance and make the seat fall down fairly easily. If your man is tall, this really will be an inconvenience for him because he’s going to have to bend his knees or his back so that he can keep one hand on the seat while he pees, but hey, you gave him a chance with the fuzzy seat cover, and you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few legs. Hmmmn. I kind of feel like a gender traitor now.